My Friend Struggles With Infertility

We always knew we wanted children. When we got married, we had a “three year plan”; we’d first get a house and then start our family between our second and third anniversaries. They (whoever “they” are) say that we make plans and God laughs. While we don’t believe that God was laughing at us, He definitely had a different plan for our family: a plan that would take eight years to unfold instead of three, a plan the would include surgery, heartbreak and discouragement, a plan that would test our reliance on Him and our trust in His goodness, a plan that would eventually call us to build our family through adoption. With the valley of infertility in the rear view, we can see how God sustained us, comforted us, mourned with us, and provided for us. However, those things were much more difficult to see when we were in the valley. If someone you love is struggling with infertility, we would humbly offer the following advice based on our experience:

Don’t Repeatedly Ask Where They Are In The Process : Infertility treatments involve a monthly roller coaster of emotions. There is a great hope when the treatment is first done followed by profound discouragement if it doesn’t work. We allowed very few people into that part of the process; the disappointment was hard enough for the two of us to process, let alone processing it with a bunch of other people however well- meaning. Be sensitive to the roller coaster and allow your friend to take the lead on when and what information is shared.

Don’t Gossip: Infertility is a very invasive process. Please don’t violate your friend’s privacy further by telling other people about their infertility.

Don’t Apologize For Having Children: People that struggle with infertility love children and are actively trying to have them. You don’t need to apologize for being fertile and having children. We aren’t mad at you and we don’t resent you. We are happy for you and want to rejoice with you.

Don’t Draw Comparisons: There has been a movement in our culture the last few years from simple compassion to forced empathy. Simple compassion says I’m sorry that you are going through this. Forced empathy says, I understand because I went through __________. Sometimes these comparisons are helpful but, honestly, most of the time they are not. We would encourage you toward simple compassion.

Do Pray: This is an act of simple compassion. Pray for wisdom because there are many decisions to make when struggling with infertility. Pray for peace because there is a lot of anxiety when struggling with infertility. Pray for protection for their hearts because there is a lot of vulnerability when struggling with infertility. Pray for comfort because there is profound discouragement and disappointment when struggling with infertility.

Steve and Cheryl Higgs